2009

The first decade of the new century is almost passed us, and while this decade has been anything but productive for the New York sports fan, it has been one of the most exciting in sports history for the rest of y’all. In order for it to be halfway successful some things need to happen in the next year that have not happened yet. As this decade of double ohs has been officially crowned the age of regression by me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, at least we aren’t Seattle sports fans, and don’t care who you are or what you do, you can always toast to that! This is all a little foreplay for a killer list of the top 10 things I want to see happen in NY sports this year.

10. The Bills hire a coach with a previous winning record:

Gregg Williams? 0-0 when they hired him, Mark Mularkey? 0-0, Dick Jauron? 36-49, well at least he had won a game, see the trend? Now the Bills are not likely to even hire another coach this decade, although the big Ralph should really look into it, but why can’t they hire one guy with a decent track record? If your franchise has gone through more loosing seasons then the new hairs on JD’s man chin [Scrubs might be the funniest show ever thought of, and it’s COMING BACK TUESDAY!] then you really need to hire someone who has gotten somewhere in the NFL. Someone like BILL FOR GOD SHAKE THIS SO OBVIOUS COWHER, here’s to hoping that one sticks.

9. Syracuse will realize that if Kimbo Slice and Albert Einstein had a baby, it would probably come out as Turner Gill, they will then fire Doug Marrone and offer Turner Gill however much money he wants.

That one explains itself, I will only add that I like Doug Marrone and think he will lay a good foundation but Gill can bring an actual turnaround soon, and that’s why I think the ‘Cuse made the wrong choice.

8. Jim boehiem will win 800 games.

Hell he could do that this season, he has won 784 games by the start of 2009 and this years team looks very good, I doubt that in the toughest conference in college basketball history they will win 16 more games to put their season total at 30, an unlikely goal but not impossible, and he will then have it locked up by the time conference play starts next season. Jimmy B. is the reincarnation of mosses, this season so far has convinced me of that, so I would be nice to him because I’m thinking that he has to be on some committee for the big guy upstairs, just a fair warning.

7. The Yankees will groom a prospect to a decent level.

And no, Melky and Cano don’t count yet, especially because at the first sign of development the front office geniuses talked of shipping Melky to Milwaukee for another over the hill out fielder. They are talking of taking Phil Hughes out of the starting rotation because he got injured two seasons in a row, Ian Kennedy hasn’t been traded yet, which knowing the Steinbrenner’s is a shock, Cano is probably only there because they actually have no other second basemen. My point is that these prospects could really use some time, not every one just pops out like Derek Jeter, picks up a bat and hits .314, and even he took 3 years to get through the minors. I challenge the Yankees to keep a prospect and use him in the right way [enter Joba] for at least one year, can they do that for me? I sure hope so.

6. Willis McGahee will die a painful death that involves a lot of staples.

He wants to have fun In Buffalo? Come back and we’ll show him a good time.

5. The Knicks will sign Chris Duhon long term

This is a new revolutionary stage that I’m in, a stage that calls for bringing in a guy who I always liked out of Duke for the long term. Chris Duhon is the black, east coast, Mike D’Antoni, reincarnation Steve Nash. He runs the D’Antoni system flawlessly after he cleans up the turnovers. He has a great shot, and the key to NBA success is to have at least one guy who can go one on one with the best guy on the other team, and Duhon can do that with pretty much anyone. He is the future of the Knicks, and that is a future that I believe we can start taking stock in.

4. Ralph Wilson, Andre Reed, and Bruce Smith will be inducted in the hall of fame this year.

Especially Dre, because this has gone way too far dammit! Andre Reed not being in the hall of fame is an embarrassment to the institution that resides in Canton. The man is fifth in all time receptions, 9th in yards, and 11th in touchdowns. What more do you want? Michael Irvin had less catches, so did Art Monk, and Cris Carter but are they in the hall of fame? I know he played in Buffalo and ESPN doesn’t think that Buffalo is sexy enough, but hall of fame voters, I challenge you to vote with your heart, and not your remote. Ralph should get in and if Bruce Smith doesn’t then I quit. I don’t even know what I’m quitting but I’m going to quit it so hard it will make the average man cry.

3. Tom Brady’s career will be over.

I heard hope the other day, ESPN was teasing us with news that Brady’s knee was not rehabbing with the schedule that cheater one [Belichick] and cheater two [Kraft] have decided on. Maybe because of infection? It is a possibility, and even with a smooth as I-81 rehab the track record for QBs coming back from this injury is not stellar. It is possible that the great dimple chin might have a bum knee for the rest of his playing days we can all marvel at the records he could have broken. I’m holding out hope.

2. No Boston team will win a championship.

At the start of the decade this was a given, but no I have had to sit through three Patriot Super Bowls, one Celtics championship, and two bloody championships for the God damn Red Sox. It’s not just the titles. It’s the threat that another one could lurk its ugly head around the next corner. Boston teams are always picked to at least make the playoffs, where for some reason they have decided to be remotely dangerous. So I have made a protocol for 2009, no more titles for beantown, none, like one less then one. I just can’t stand seeing more fat, alien like creatures lining up along the streets of the dirtiest city in the world to celebrate another championship that ESPN will still be celebrating two weeks late.

1.SOMEONE WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!

just need one team. In 2008 the Yankees missed the playoffs for the first time since 1995, the Knicks lost more then 50 games again, Syracuse went to the NIT’s Elite Eight for the second straight year, and the Bills still don’t want to make the playoffs.[ Nine years isn’t really that long, right?] This is the year, I can feel it! For starters, Syracuse already has 16 wins as I write this [yes between thing on the list number 7 and now Syracuse has won two games.] and already has three wins against top 25 teams. The Knicks are 3 games out of the 8th spot in the playoffs, Donnie Walsh is also looking a little perky as the trade deadline nears. The Yankees have reloaded and nothing less then a world series will be a failure, and maybe the 10th year will be the charm for the Bills. One team is all I’m asking God for in 2009, and I believe I could get that. Here’s to hoping.

Just a thought.